Are you okay?
by littleterror
Summary: Hotch and Emily's adopted daughter gets caught by Spencer after self harming, he helps her calm down and tend to her injuries. One shot.


Hey so I wanted to do a quick backstory before the story starts just to clear up some details I wasn't able to fit in. The character I put in here, Alice, I think of to be around high school age, maybe 15. And in the other story ideas I have including her I usually go with the backstory of her being adopted by Hotch and Emily at a young age. None of these details matter to this story though, so you can imagine it any way you want. Also I'm not quite sure why Spencer would be staying there? That's also up for your own personal interpretation, it was just convenient for my story to have him living there. The way I thought of it was maybe he was having trouble financially after moving his mom to inpatient care or something? Or they have a suite they're renting to him? I'm not entirely sure, but I needed him there for the story. Any and all feedback is welcome. It's the first fanfic I've written in like 6 years so I'm eager to hear whether people like it or not and what areas need improvement. Anyway, thanks for reading! 😊

TW: Self harm/Cutting. I tried not to be too descriptive with the actual details of the injuries, but I also needed to give enough detail to further the story. So if self harm is something that is upsetting to you or could potentially trigger you please don't read this story. For me writing and reading these type of stories can be cathartic and kind of comforting so if your going to be having the opposite reaction then please do not read.

Alice quietly crept down the hallway leading from her bedroom to the upstairs bathroom, trying to avoid the creaky tiles on the hardwood floor. She figured Hotch and Emily were in bed by now, and their room was on the opposite side of the house, with their own bathroom. The only one she really had to worry about was Spencer, who was staying in the guest room just below the floor her room was on. He had gone to bed hours ago and doesn't usually get up during the night, but she still walked as quiet as possible just to be on the safe side. She knew what she was doing was risky and she couldn't risk being seen like this. Tears streaked down her face, puffy eyes and red nose. She looked like she had been crying for hours, and she had. But her main worry was on the blade clutched tightly in her palm, and the cuts wrapped in paper towel underneath the sleeve of her oversized hoodie. She just wanted to wash the blade, bandage her arm, go to sleep and forget this ever happened.

Hotch and Emily had found out about her self harm a couple months ago. They were kind and understanding about it, never getting angry or frustrated with her, never making it about themselves. They did however search her room after finding out, taking away all the tools she would use to harm herself. They missed one though, it was closed in her compact mirror tucked away in her backpack. And it stayed there, until tonight. After they had searched her room they asked her if there were any more they missed, she knew they missed that one. But she couldn't bring herself to mention it, regardless of the guilt she felt at the time. Emily had also taken to checking her arms every now and then, especially in times when she seemed more distressed than others. Alice didn't mind, she understood the precautions they were taking, they were profilers after all. Although she did mind one thing; therapy, or psychotherapy to be more specific. She got along with her psychologist okay and used the coping strategies and grounding techniques she had taught her. But Alice always struggled with opening up to people, especially strangers. And with all the support from her family and methods of refraining from cutting, she had managed to stay free of self harm since the day they found out two months ago, well, until tonight that is.

She had just about reached the door to the bathroom when she realised the door was closed and the light was on. Before she could turn around and hurry back to her room, the door opened and there stood Spencer in the doorway. He was wearing green plaid pyjama pants and a loose fitting grey t-shirt, his hair dishevelled and a sleepy expression on his face. She froze like a deer caught in headlights.

"Alice?" He squinted at the young girl in front on him, his eyes adjusting to the dimly lit hallway. "Are you okay?" Concern filled his voice at the realisation that she had been crying.

"Yeah… I just," She searched for an excuse, unprepared for the situation before her, "I just have a headache."

The young profiler saw through her lies. He noticed her hand inching slowly behind her back, her palm closed like she was holding something.

Worry crept up in Spencer's mind as he realised what it could be.

"What's in your hand?" He asked, the concern in his voice escalating.

"Nothing." She shook her head slightly, her eyes dropping from his worried gaze to his t-shirt, unable to make eye contact.

"Alice." Spencer prompted gently, taking a step towards her.

They both turned their heads towards the staircase leading downstairs when they heard a quiet shuffling noise in the distance. Alice quickly turned back towards Spencer, closing the gap between them and grabbing his arm gently with her free hand.

"Please don't tell them." She begged in a whisper, looking up at him with desperation and panic in her teary eyes.

Spencer placed his hand on her upper back and stepped out of the doorway, guiding her into the bathroom and closing the door quietly behind him. Of course he was going to tell Emily and Hotch about this, but not tonight, and not with Alice so distraught.

She sat down on the edge on the tub, looking down at her baby blue pyjama bottoms and fuzzy socks. Holding both arms over her stomach, her hand still tightly closed around the blade. Spencer sat on the closed toilet seat across from Alice and leaned in towards her.

"Alice can I see what's in your hand?" He asked carefully, already knowing the answer.

"It's…" She spoke in a shaky voice, struggling to get the words out while keeping her head down. "It's a blade…" Her voice getting quieter at her confession.

"Do you think you could maybe give it to me?" He continued with his gentle tone. He knew she wouldn't cut with him there, but the fact that she had the blade and had possibly already used it concerned him greatly.

She hesitated for a moment before reaching her arm out, palm facing down. He held his palm open under hers and she let the blade fall into his hand before folding her arms over her stomach again. He looked at the blade briefly in his hand before placing it on the counter behind him. It wasn't your classic razor blade, it was thicker and shaped more like a trapezoid rather than square. It looked like the kind of blade that goes into a utility knife. Spencer wondered if she had this blade since Hotch and Emily took her tools away or if she bought it specifically for this occasion.

"Alice were you coming here to cut or did you do it already?" He asked, trying to figure out what to do next. If she was injured he might have to tell her parents tonight, depending on the severity of the wounds she might need medical attention.

She kept her head down as quiet sobs wracked her body, she brought her hands up to her face to face in embarrassment, her sleeves pulled up to her fingers as she cried into her closed fists.

"I tried not too." The words slightly muffled by the sleeves of her sweater, "I'm sorry." She was shaking as she tried to hold back her cries.

Spencer quickly got up and kneeled down in front of her as she sat on the edge of the tub, placing a hand on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry, he had only ever seen her this distraught a handful of times.

"Hey it's okay, you don't have to apologize, it happens in recovery, its okay." He said in attempt to calm her while rubbing her shoulder gently. Not quite knowing how to approach her, she wasn't usually the type to want closeness in times of distress.

She continued crying but lowered her arms from her face and reached towards Spencer, it took him a second to realise that she was trying to hug him. He got up and sat next to her on the edge of the tub as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. She cried quietly into his shoulder while he rubbed small circles on her back. He was surprised at her actions and relieved she was finally accepting comfort when she needed it. After a couple minutes, her muffled cries slowly subsided and she untangled her arms from around his neck and pulled away, her eyes falling to his t-shirt, once again unable to make eye contact. Spencer could see the embarrassment written on her face, probably uncomfortable with the amount of emotion she had just shown. He brushed the tangled hair off her face with his hand while she diverted her gaze to the floor once again as she quietly sniffled.

Alice sat there silently while Spencer mulled over questions in his head. The main one being how bad her injuries were.

"Alice… do you think I could see the wounds?" Spencer asked carefully, unsure how to phrase the question.

Alice shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, tugging at the sleeves of her sweater.

"What? No..." She shook her head. "No." She repeated with more force.

"I know this is a difficult thing for you to share. I only ask because I want to make sure you don't need medical attention." He said softly.

"I don't." She shook her head again, still tugging at her sleeves anxiously.

"Please." Spencer prodded, not going to take no for an answer. There was no way he was letting her out of this room until he knew the severity of her wounds. "At the very least it would be for my peace of mind."

She stayed quiet, but guilt tugged at her heart after hearing that. The last thing she wanted was to worry him. But the thought of him see the cuts she inflicted upon herself made her cringe. Although if she didn't show him and ease his concern he might go straight to Emily and Hotch, and the thought of both of them seeing what she did to herself made her cringe even harder. Her options sucked, but she figured this was the least awful of the two.

Spencer watched as she sat fiddling with her sleeves nervously while she seemed to ponder what he just said. She slowly began rolling up her left sleeve with her other hand, struggling to pull it back over the small stack of paper towels placed over her forearm. He helped her push her sleeve to her elbow, she flinched slightly at his touch but let him help her seeing as she couldn't do it with one hand. She carefully started pulling the layer of napkins off her forearm. Spencer watched in shock; he had seen glimpses of her scarred forearms in the past two months of her secret being out. But mostly in passing when she was washing her hands or preparing food, but he never stared long enough to really look at them out of fear of making her feel uncomfortable or self conscious. But now, seeing them close up with the bright lights above them, he was stunned.

Scars of all different widths and lengths littered her petite forearm, from her wrist to just under the inside of her elbow. The dark pink tones a drastic contrast against her pale skin. But what really had Spencer shocked were the cuts she had made tonight, there must have been about 10 of them, all scattered throughout her arm. All fairly deep, deep enough to need butterfly bandages or something to help close the wounds. Although that wouldn't be possible considering how close together the cuts were and how many there was, it looked like she had done this frantically.

He had so many questions running through his mind but he couldn't find the words to voice them. It wasn't so much the sight of the wounds that bothered him, he had seen much worse due to his job at the BAU. But it was the fact it was Alice who was the one injured, and the fact that she had been the one to injure herself. And here she sat seemingly unbothered by her pain she must feel tugging at the makeshift bandage on her wounds. He wondered what state she had been in at the time of cutting, and what had pushed her over the edge.

"Fuck." Alice's quiet cursing brought him out of his thoughts. She had finished pulling the paper towel off her cuts and some of them had started bleeding again. Droplets of blood ran down her arm as she held her hand under her arm to catch them and rushed over to the sink. She held her forearm face down over the sink and let the blood drip onto the white porcelain.

Spencer got up and stood next to her, watching as her blood pooled in the sink, a concerning amount considering she must've have made these wounds at least 10 minutes ago. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. Alice nervously glanced up to see his horrified expression, feeling even worse about the situation at hand.

"Look its not as bad as it looks alright," Alice attempted to ease his nerves, "I just need to rinse these and bandage my arm and I'll be fine. I've done this before."

"…Alice… these look pretty bad…" Spencer said nervously finally taking his eyes off her arm and meeting her gaze, his lips pursed in a tense expression. "I think it would be a good idea to at least get these looked at—"

"No! Spencer no, its fine, I'm fine." Alice interrupted in a panicky voice. Spencer maintained his nervous expression. "I'm not going to a fucking hospital for this okay?" She blurted out in a hushed tone, tears welling up in her eyes with a look of frustration on her face.

Spencer stayed quiet for a moment, realising there was no way he could convince her to go to a hospital without getting Hotch and Emily and furthering the emotional distress she was is. Besides the hospital wouldn't be able to suture the wounds anyway with the close proximity of the wounds, they would just disinfect them and wrap her arm in gauze, something he could do here.

"Fine, but were treating these properly okay? That means isopropyl alcohol and sterile bandages, no paper towels. And if the bleeding doesn't stop or at least slow down I'm going to have to get you proper medical attention." He bargained.

She breathed a sigh of relief, "Fine." She nodded quickly.

He rifled through the bathroom cabinets before realising the rubbing alcohol and wound dressing supplies were on the opposite side of the house in the other bathroom. Despite Alice's protests about him going to get it and possibly running into Emily or Hotch, he left to go retrieve it. Before he left he took the blade he had left on the counter, trying to be discreet as to not make Alice feel like he didn't trust her not to try to hide it for future use. But the action didn't go unnoticed, she understood why he took it with him, but couldn't help feeling even more embarrassed of her actions than she already did.

Spencer walked quietly through the house, thinking over the events that had just taken place. He looked at the blade in his hand, trying to understand what had led Alice to seek this out for comfort in the first place. He knew the psychology behind it, the analytics, the statistics. But trying to imagine how bad she must've felt to see hurting herself as a good alternative to her emotional state was beyond his expertise. He just knew it broke his heart to think of her in that condition.

He reached the bathroom, relieved to see it unoccupied. He gathered the needed supplies quickly and wrapped the blade in tissue, placing it in the pocket of his pyjama pants before heading back to the other bathroom.

He quietly entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him and finding Alice still at the sink, she had turned the tap on and was rinsing her arm with cold water. He joined her next to the sink and unscrewed the cap off the rubbing alcohol. She turned off the faucet and looked up at him nervously.

"This is going to sting." He gently warned. He held the back of her hand keeping her forearm in place facing up. "Have you used isopropyl alcohol before?" He asked.

"A few times but never when I had this many…" She trailed off, using words like 'cuts' always made her cringe.

She braced herself as Spencer began pouring the alcohol over her wounds, the clear liquid foaming slightly while mixing with the blood, making a sort of pinkish color run into the sink below. She sucked in a breath harshly, gritting her teeth slightly in shock as the searing pain shot up her arm. She instinctively tried pulling her arm away but Spencer tightened his grip on her hand to keep it in place.

"Sorry..." He winced at seeing her squirming in pain. He finished rinsing her arm and let go of her hand, putting the bottle back on the counter.

She tightly gripped the back of her forearm around her elbow in a vain attempt to draw attention away from the stinging. It hurt more than she initially thought it would, but she felt somewhat calmed by it. She no longer felt she was on the verge of tears, her emotional state had been slightly numbed, and most of the anxious thoughts in her head had dissipated. She hated that this was her reaction to pain but she couldn't help it, it was like a Xanax to her, and to most self harmers.

"Are you okay?" Spencer asked after noticing her digging her hand into the back of her elbow and staring blankly into the sink with her eyebrows furrowed.

Spencer's voice snapping her attention back to him, "Yeah fine." She reassured while easing her grip on her arm. Spencer unwrapped a sterile piece of cloth used to clean wounds and gently held the back of her hand again. He began dabbing at the wounds along her forearm with the cloth, trying to be as gentle as possible. She kept her head down and her eyes fixed on the floor next to the sink. He glanced at her, taking notice of her ashamed demeaner.

He finished drying her arm and tossed the wet cloth into the garbage, relieved to see the bleeding had stopped. She pulled her arm closer to her chest for comfort, feeling over exposed from all the attention that was focused on her injuries.

"Do you want to sit down while I bandage it?" He asked while holding up a roll of gauze.

She looked up at him briefly and nodded, taking a seat back on the edge of the tub. Spencer sat down next to her and began unwrapping more sterile pieces of cloth bandage to place over the wounds.

"Alice can I ask you something?" Spencer inquired.

"Yeah." She replied, holding her arm towards him as he began laying the cloth along her arm.

"Why didn't you try talking to one of us?" He asked before adding, "I'm assuming you tried the coping techniques your therapist gave you to avoid hurting yourself, which I'm also assuming didn't work tonight considering you told me that you tried to not cut. And if those didn't work the last resort was supposed to be to come to one of us and let us know you felt like cutting. I'm just wondering why you felt you couldn't do that."

She thought about it for a moment, slightly irritated by the amount of assumptions he was making, granted he was right. But she still hated feeling like she was being "profiled."

"I-." She hesitated, not quite sure how to answer this. "You guys were sleeping, and I don't like talking about it." She tucked her hair behind her ear with her free hand. "I mean, what was I even supposed to say." She replied as he began carefully wrapping the gauze around her arm to keep the cotton padding in place.

"You could just say you were upset and didn't want to be alone." Spencer suggested, wanting to make sure she knew she had alternative options just in case she ends up in this predicament again.

"Yeah but, I don't like coming to people crying, and I knew it would lead to this big deal of Hotch and Emily worrying about me and making more therapy appointments and checking my arms. I didn't want to worry them like that." She said with her head facing down.

"You could tell me?" He said while continuing to wrap her arm in the gauze. "I know it makes you uncomfortable to talk about it, but we don't even have to talk. We can just watch a movie or play video games."

She looked up at him briefly, his brown hair drooped over the sides of his face as he delicately wrapped her arm.

"But what if your sleeping?" She asked shyly, considering his offer.

"You can wake me up, I won't mind." Spencer said quickly, hopeful he was getting through to her.

She sat quietly for a moment, grateful for the option he was giving her.

"And if I did that, instead of—" She shook her arm gently to indicate she meant cutting, still not wanting to use the word. "You would keep it between us?"

"Of course." He reassured.

Spencer noticed slight relief in Alice's demeaner.

"So next time you feel like hurting yourself and the grounding techniques don't work you'll come to me?" Spencer asked, hoping she would agree and actually do it.

Alice looked up at him with an appreciative expression. "Okay." She said with a slight smile.

"Okay." He nodded while returning her small smile before turning his attention back to wrapping her arm, "Good."

He finished with the gauze and used 2 tiny metal clips to hold it in place. Alice brought her arm closer to her and looked at the neat wrapping, leave it Spencer to wrap gauze in such an organized way. He started to get up to throw the wrappers away when she quietly spoke up.

"You're going to tell them about tonight, aren't you?" She asked nervously, already knowing the answer.

Spencer sat back down and looked at her empathetically, "I think I have too Alice, I'm sorry, I know you don't want me too. But this is something they need to know about."

She nodded in understanding before asking, "When are you going to tell them?"

"I think the sooner the better, so probably tomorrow morning." He answered.

She nodded again.

"You could tell them yourself if that would be better for you, or I can tell them if you want me too, whichever makes you more comfortable." He offered.

"Could you tell them?" She asked, looking up at him with an anxious look in her eyes. "But with me there too?"

"Of course." He smiled at her reassuringly.

Spencer gathered the bandage wrappers and was about to place them in the garbage when Alice stopped him.

"Wait, I'm gonna throw those out in the garbage in my room, I don't want them finding them before we tell them what happened." She took the wrappers out of his hand and stuffed them into the pocket of her oversized hoodie.

"Okay." Spencer answered, watching her then take the cotton padding he used to dry her arm out of the garbage and flushing it down the toilet before washing the dried blood off her hands. He felt a twinge of sadness in her actions. Almost like she was on autopilot, like this was a routine she had done countless times and judging by the number of scars on her arms she probably had.

"Okay, well, I guess I'm gonna go to bed." She folded her arms over her stomach, awkwardly shifting in place, unsure what to say now. "Night Spence."

"Goodnight." He said with a small smile, trying to hide the sadness and worry in his expression.

Before she reached the door, she turned around quickly, walking up to Spencer and wrapping her arms around his ribcage in a tight hug. "Thank you for everything you did for me tonight. I'm glad you were here." She said gratefully with the side of her face pressed into his t-shirt.

He was caught off guard slightly, but quickly returned her hug. He was surprised by the genuineness in her statement of being glad he was there. He had assumed she was upset she was caught, and maybe a part of her was, but there was also a part of her that was glad she was caught this time. And that made him feel a lot better about the night's events, and a lot less worried about future ones.

"You don't have to thank me, I'm happy I was able to help." He brushed his hand over the back of her head.

She pulled away and looked up at him gratefully, "I'll see you tomorrow Spence," She said smiling before once again heading to the door. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Alice."


End file.
